I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
