theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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