Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
