party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
