There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
