My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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