I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
