There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
