Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Drunk is a universal language darling
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize