just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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