Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
