Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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