She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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