went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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