Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
