Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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