We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
