I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
