I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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