Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
