We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
