"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
