My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize