I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
