Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
