You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i drank out of a bidet.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
