sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Randomize
