Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
