i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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