Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
