i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
