I'm going to rape someone's good day.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize