K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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