Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
