I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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