My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
