I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
