somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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