decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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