The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize