If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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