Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
