i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
