i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
they're like a gay fantastic four
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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