woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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