I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
