listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
