Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
