Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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