so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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