mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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