My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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