I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
