2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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